Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Who is talking to whom?

This post was triggered by the pattern of interactions that I observed in one of the alumni groups that I am part of. Most of the people in this group had worked together for a period of 3-5 years about 20 years ago. After that, there was not much interaction among these group members, till a WhatsApp group was set up a couple of years ago.

So, the ‘shared experience’ of this group was from a period about 18-22 years ago, when most of the members in this group would have been in their twenties or early thirties. So, the current interaction is taking place when most of the members are in their forties or early fifties. Very different life stages indeed!

This can lead to a wide variety of scenarios, in terms of ‘who is talking to whom’. For example,
  • the ‘younger selves’ of the members are talking to each other about their shared experience (that happened a long time ago)
  • the 'current selves' of the members are taking to each other about their current situation
  • the ‘younger selves’ of the members are talking to each other about their current situation
  • the 'current selves' of the members are talking to each other about their ‘old’ (shared) experience
I guess, the most ‘interesting’ interactions occur when the ‘current self’ of a member 'unexpectedly' interacts with the ‘younger self’ of another member. In a way, this is similar to a ‘crossed transaction’ in Transactional Analysis (TA), because the response one gets is from a 'different self' (different 'ego state', in TA terms) of the other person as compared to what one was trying interact with. It is very much possible that different people are looking for different patterns of interaction in  the alumni group. 

Since the alumni groups are created based primary on a 'shared experience that took place a long time ago', people can have varying expectations on the extent to which they want the members in the group, including themselves, to 'grow up' - in terms of the behavior/interaction in the group. If some of the members had joined the alumni group mainly to 'relive the good-old days' or to 'be their young self again', then 'growing up' might not be such an obviously correct choice for them, when it comes to their behavior in the alumni group (and this can annoy some of the other members in the group who have different expectations)!

These 'crossed transactions'  can lead to rage, tears, frustration, laughter or indifference. This is also one of the most common reasons* why people leave such WhatsApp groups (though they tend to come back after a while). The key factor that influences the outcome of this 'crossed transaction' is the level of trust/strength of the relationship between the members. If others join in on this interaction (from their various 'selves'), the situation can get even more 'interesting' and unpredictable!

*Note : Apart from the crossed transactions mentioned above (which is, in a way, a 'perceived violation of the psychological territory' of a group member), another important reason why people leave alumni WhatsApp groups is a 'perceived violation of their ideological territory'. As we get older, we tend to solidify our positions/ideologies in life. In a way, this is a attempt to make our life easier/ a mechanism to simplify the complexities in decision-making. If I define myself as a socialist  (or as a religious person or as a liberal), I can view and respond to life from that perspective. While this simplifies decision making, it can lead to inflexibility and intolerance. So, if someone says something in the WhatsApp group, that goes against my ideology, I am likely to perceive it as a personal insult and feel compelled to respond to it or to leave the group. This is especially so since the shared experience (that would have acted as a bonding factor/integrating mechanism) is in the distant past and it is no longer strong enough/active enough to help in resolving these perceived violations of ideological territory. 

Have you come across such patterns of interaction? Any observations/comments?

6 comments:

Michael said...

Prasad, this is insightful. You have observed, reflected and theorized well! This underlines the importance of good 'listening' skills to perceive in which 'state' is the other coming from, respond in a like manner (or acknowledge that 'state') and then move on to respond in the 'current state'.

The "Golden Rule" (Do to others as you would have them do to you) is very relevant here, as well.

The ex-employee alumni group where we are members is very egalitarian and no coordinator or member tries to dominate or boss over members. It's hence interesting to watch the interplay between 'states'. You display very good observation and thinking abilities!

Prasad Kurian said...

Thank you very much Michael for reading my blog and for your very kind words!

Anand said...

The younger selves talking to each other in group setting and with sufficient rapport, the current selves talking one to one especially about their children I have observed is the most fulfilling as it evokes both the free child and adult.
Very nice application of TA Prasad. Social networking behavior needs a new anthropology and you are already there

Prasad Kurian said...

Thank you very much Anand! You make a very interesting point about the 'current selves' talking about their 'children'. In a way, it can bring out all the 3 ego states - Child (when we are sort of living/playing vicariously through the 'antics' of our children), Adult (when we are discussing about our children 'objectively') and Parent (when we are expressing our approval/disapproval about them for fitting/not fitting into our definition of 'what good looks like'). Yes, mercifully, the 'Free Child' and 'Adult' are much more common/visible in these interactions.

Unknown said...

Very well said Sir. The interaction among individuals depend on our ability to place trust and what we expect. When the both syncs up you will find an effective dialogue happening, be it reminiscing the old days or the current situation.

Prasad Kurian said...

Thank you very much. Yes, when the expectations of the group members (related to the pattern of interaction they are looking for in the group) are in sync and the group members find the group to be 'safe and supportive place' to be in, the group interactions would be very enriching!